Ana Megawati
What begins as a deeply personal and poignant conversation on a deathbed can illuminate a universal human experience: the profound and often inexplicable search for connection with those who have passed. For one individual, this took the surreal form of negotiating a "ghost pact" with a friend, Ruth Francis, in her final days. The agreement was simple yet imbued with the distinct humour that defined their friendship: after her passing, Ruth was to deliver an obvious and funny sign from beyond the grave—perhaps a phallic symbol in the clouds, tea leaves forming an irreverent image, or even, if metaphysically possible, kicking a can down the road. This unique pact, forged over text messages and voice memos due to insurmountable travel barriers from Western Australia to Ruth’s London bedside—a consequence of unforeseen global logistical disruptions in her last week of life—underscores a phenomenon far more common than many might assume. While the narrator openly admits to not believing in ghosts, viewing the pact as a form of comic relief from a bleak reality, this anecdote serves as a compelling entry point into the broader psychological and sociological dimensions of post-mortem communication.
The Universal Language of Grief and Connection
Ruth Francis, a vibrant woman in her 40s, was tragically taken by bowel cancer, leaving behind a husband and two young children. Her passing, like countless others, left an indelible void, yet her spirit, particularly her humour, remained untamed even in the face of terminal illness. The "gone-but-not-ghosted" pact reflects a deep human need to maintain bonds that death threatens to sever. This yearning for continuity, for a lingering presence, transcends cultural and belief systems, manifesting in various forms, from deliberate rituals to the interpretation of seemingly random occurrences.
Psychologists, sociologists, and even seasoned funeral directors consistently observe that the search for signs from the deceased is not exclusive to those with mystical inclinations. It is a deeply ingrained aspect of the human grieving process, a coping mechanism that offers solace and a sense of ongoing relationship. Unexplained coincidences—such as a clock stopping at a significant time, a garden suddenly withering despite care, or the unexpected scent of a loved one’s perfume—are frequently reported by those in mourning. These are not merely isolated incidents but part of a broader pattern of human attunement to the unknown, a natural way of staying connected to those who have departed.
A Shift in Perspective: Seeing the Magic
University of Sydney sociologist Alex Broom elaborates on this phenomenon, describing it as an "attunement to the unknown." He suggests that modern societies, with their emphasis on productivity, measurable outcomes, and a largely secular worldview, have often "removed what we might call the existential realm from everyday life." This detachment leaves individuals particularly vulnerable and confronted when faced with the death of a close family member, partner, or friend, as they continue to "feel them around us."
Broom argues that what often occurs is not the sudden appearance of magic, but rather a profound shift in perception. "What happens is suddenly our surrounds are once again seen as filled with meaning. So as opposed to [the idea that] suddenly magic appears, it is probably more accurate to say that suddenly we see the magic." In earlier societies, the presence of ancestors, spirits, and unseen forces was intricately woven into the fabric of daily life, providing a more integrated framework for understanding death and loss. Today, in a world dominated by tangible realities, the uncanny and the existential often struggle to find a space, making their emergence during grief all the more impactful.
The Adaptive Power of Continuing Bonds
Professor Lauren Breen, a psychologist at Curtin University, reinforces the notion that the instinct to seek comfort in coincidence and signs is profoundly adaptive. Her research highlights that "When someone dies, the relationship changes, but it doesn’t end." This concept of "continuing bonds" is a cornerstone of modern grief theory, recognizing that healthy grieving does not necessitate severing ties with the deceased but rather transforming the relationship to an internal, symbolic one.
Breen outlines various deliberate methods people employ to maintain connection, such as visiting places that held special meaning, cherishing keepsakes, or engaging in memorial activities. However, she emphasizes the unique power of passive signs—those that seem to arrive uninvited, unsolicited. These serendipitous occurrences, whether perceived as a loved one’s touch or a message, can elicit a smile, a giggle, or a profound sense of connection, offering immense comfort. "If it’s giving them a smile, or a giggle, or a sense of connection, then it’s actually very adaptive," Breen states, underlining the therapeutic value of such experiences.
Psychological Mechanisms: The Baader-Meinhof Effect in Grief
The phenomenon of interpreting coincidences as signs is often underpinned by recognizable psychological patterns. One such mechanism is similar to the Baader-Meinhof effect, also known as frequency illusion. This cognitive bias describes the phenomenon where, after noticing something new (a word, a car model, an idea), it suddenly seems to appear everywhere. Our brains are constantly filtering an immense volume of sensory input. When something becomes emotionally salient—particularly during times of heightened emotional states like grief—it jumps to the forefront of our awareness. This prioritization helps us identify threats, opportunities, or vital social information.
During grief, this effect is significantly amplified because the brain is intensely wired to prioritize emotionally significant information related to the loss. A butterfly, for instance, might have always been destined to land on a windowsill, but in the context of mourning, its appearance now carries immense weight and meaning. "We’re thinking about that person, even if we’re not realising we’re thinking about them," Breen explains. Our subconscious mind is actively engaged in processing the loss, making us more attuned to anything that can be linked to the deceased.
The crucial question, Breen posits, is not whether these signs are "real" in a verifiable, objective sense, but rather whether the individual experiencing them finds them comforting and beneficial to their grieving process. The subjective reality of these experiences holds profound therapeutic value, regardless of their objective origin.
Observations from the Frontlines of Grief
Bernardine Brierty, a social worker with nearly three decades of experience as a funeral director for Bowra & O’Dea, has witnessed countless instances of mourners interpreting events as signs from the departed. Her observations from chapels, living rooms, and cars—places where grief often ambushes individuals unannounced—provide a practical perspective on this phenomenon. Mourners frequently attribute out-of-the-ordinary happenings to the deceased, whether it’s the wrong song blaring at the end of a service, a picture frame toppling from a coffin, or a sudden, inexplicable chill in a room.
Brierty suggests that this tendency is far more common than generally perceived. "I think it is more common than you think and I wonder if as humans we are turning coincidence into something that is going to give us comfort? For example, it can be at a funeral and they play the wrong piece of music at the end and they say ‘Dad’s having the last laugh’," she recounts. This interpretation offers a means of maintaining the personality and agency of the deceased, allowing their memory to continue influencing the living world in a playful or characteristic manner.
Geniene Mairata, a grief counsellor for the bereavement and trauma support charity Miners’ Promise, echoes these sentiments. Of the hundreds of people she has supported, she cannot recall a single instance where an individual did not report feeling a connection or receiving a sign from beyond the grave. "It is such a powerful comfort to people’s healing," Mairata asserts. "We are continuing the bond with that person and through the signs, it is a tangible way to do that in a physical world." She notes that in grief, the human eye is often drawn towards life, and individuals most frequently find signs in music, numbers, nature, and animals. The connection with nature, particularly animals, is often interpreted as a symbol of new life and continuity.
Cultural and Symbolic Dimensions
Alex Broom further highlights the significant role of culture and symbolism in shaping how grief is experienced and interpreted. Gardens, natural landscapes, and sensory cues often serve as powerful triggers for memory and emotion, reflecting a deeper human need to connect with and understand the world around them. In various cultures, the natural world is imbued with spiritual significance, offering a framework for understanding life, death, and ancestral connections. For instance, in an Australian context, "acknowledgment of country" inherently speaks to an interconnectedness with land, water, people, and ancestors, providing a culturally embedded way of recognizing enduring bonds beyond the physical realm. This cultural context provides a powerful lens through which individuals can interpret and derive meaning from their experiences of loss.
Navigating Vulnerability: The Ethical Landscape
While the therapeutic benefits of seeking and finding comfort in signs are widely recognized by experts, Professor Breen offers a crucial caution. Grieving individuals are inherently vulnerable, and this vulnerability can be exploited. She advises vigilance against psychics, mediums, and various online operators who may seek to monetize the profound human longing for connection with the deceased. The commercialization of grief can lead to significant emotional and financial harm, diverting individuals from healthy coping mechanisms.
The distinction lies in the origin of the perceived sign: those that appear uninvited and resonate personally are often seen as adaptive, while those orchestrated or interpreted by third parties for financial gain can be predatory. In the spirit of their humorous pact, the narrator and Ruth had a code word: "Daddy Long." This was to be used should a clairvoyant ever enter the narrator’s orbit, a testament to their shared skepticism and commitment to authenticity. The narrator, not one to seek such services, can reveal the code, secure in the knowledge that her own interpretation will suffice.
An Enduring Human Trait
Ruth Francis passed on March 24th, yet the pact, however whimsical, continues to serve its purpose. For the narrator, the expectation of a "rude" symbol appearing in the clouds while surfing in the ocean is not an act of belief in the supernatural, but a cherished extension of a friendship that transcends physical presence. It is a promise kept, a shared laugh across the veil, a tangible manifestation of a continuing bond.
The human desire to connect with the deceased is a timeless and universal aspect of grief. Whether through deliberate rituals, the interpretation of serendipitous events, or simply holding space for cherished memories, individuals find myriad ways to navigate loss and keep the spirit of their loved ones alive. While scientific explanations offer valuable insights into the psychological mechanisms at play, the profound comfort derived from these experiences remains a testament to the enduring power of human connection, even in the face of death. This phenomenon, rooted deeply in our cognitive and emotional architecture, offers a poignant reminder that while relationships change, the love that binds us often does not truly end.
